From Outside the Mommy Wars

Sad that as moms we are not always united as sisters, but there can be a real division & resentment between the working moms and the stay at home moms.  Brought on by secret guilt (even for those moms who don’t believe it’s true) … these working moms feel guilty for not spending as much time with their kids, and these stay at home moms feel guilty for not bringing in money, or for abandoning their careers.  So, they accuse each other of being inadequate women/parents.

Of course, not all working moms or stay at home moms feel this way - most don’t, I’m sure.  Most of us are perfectly comfortable with each woman making her own choices, and mostly comfortable with our own choices, and we stay out of any nasty fights — and even support each other!  But there are a few outspoken women who assume their choices are the only "Right" choices for everyone.

But where do we fit in?  The work at home moms?  Or even my subset, the work at home moms who opt for part time childcare?  Am I in the stay at home camp, because I am at home?  Am I in the working camp, because I have a business?  Read more

Parenting Rule #1: Don’t Let Your Daughter Near Your Wallet

Wow, that statement works on multiple levels. 

Last Friday my 2-year old somehow got a hold of my wallet-purse and decided to reorganize my credit cards and business cards.  In the process, she somehow misplaced my main personal credit card, and my personal check card.  She only had it for a few minutes, right next to me on the sofa, so you would think I would be able to find the cards. 

No. Read more

Isolation: The Curse of Parenting in 2007

We have a zillion advantages as parents in 2007 … running water, modern medicine, washing machines, the internet, women’s lib, inexpensive & high-quality food, no child labor, etc. But we have one distinct disadvantage. For the most part, we are physically isolated. In decades and century’s past, a women would not be a stay at home mom who took care of her kids 100% of the time. We lived across the way from our parents, next door to our sisters, down the lane from our grandparents. We shared in the care of each other’s children. Our kids grew up with older cousins and aunts and grandma’s taking care of them, as much if not more than their own parents. And, these were all people who LOVED our kids almost as much as we do. How were these other caregivers compensated? By us helping them with their needs, or watching their kids when they needed to get work done. And women have ALWAYS been working moms. Working doing the family chores (which before washing machines, ovens, and iceboxes, was a 10 hour a day job), on the farm, or behind the counter at the family business. Women have been teachers, nannies, business co-owners, cleaning women, and world leaders for centuries. But now we live miles (if not thousands of miles) away from our extended families. We don’t know our neighbors. We move so often we may not have local close friends. There’s no one who loves our kids as much as us, to take care of them. And, if we leave our kids with people we pay, like nannies or daycare, we feel guilty. As if we are wrong to delegate some of the care of our kids to someone else (especially if we PAY that person). As if we are supposed to, by ourselves, provide for 100% of the care of our kids, as well as taking care of the other needs of the family. And, since we are modern enlightened women, we are working at a job or running a business (or both), volunteering in the community, trying to be a good wife/friend/sister/aunt/daughter/neighbor, as well as take care of ourselves, working out, eating right, and reading books. No wonder we are tired. We need to give ourselves permission to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with paying for someone to help out with caring for your child, when you don’t have access to local family or friends. There is nothing wrong, or even NEW, with delegating some of that care to others so you can make money, fulfill your other responsibilities, or pursue your own interests. So ladies — ask for help! (and, stop feeling guilty … but that takes a bit more practice …)

3:30 AM is not a reasonable wake-up time …

I seemed to have birthed a morning person. Which is generally fine with me, because I am a fellow morning person, up between 5:30 and 6:30 AM, without the aid of an alarm clock — and my most productive hours are typically in the morning. But 3:30 AM is ridiculous. This morning Gracie was ready to party at 3:30 AM. Should I just leave her screaming in her crib? Much more difficult to do now, that (1) she yells specific requests — "mommy" and "up" — instead of unspecific crying, and (2) I’m afraid it will finally occur to her that she could climb out of her crib (and I want her to stay there for a bit longer). Now that she can talk, I don’t feel like I am letting a blob-like baby cry it out — I feel like I am cruelly denying a human being what they need. I tried taking her to bed with us, which works if her need is mommy-cuddling. But, no, that just egged her on. Because this morning, what Gracie wanted was mommy-playing. She climbed over me, played with the covers, and tried her new trick of attempting to merge our faces together by pushing (not sure if that works in this space-time continuum). So I gave it up and turned on an Elmo DVD. Now, I’m not that upset about her being a moody toddler today, because that’s the nanny’s problem (she’s with Gracie from 8-2 today). But, I am working this morning, drafting a chapter for a book (due this Thursday), editing bylaws for a volunteer organization, and meeting with two new clients. I could have used a few more hours of sleep — but that is the side effect of having a toddler — the wonderful joys of having an unpredictable life. Perhaps Gracie is in training to start a new donut or coffee franchise. Fine, as long as I get a good cut of the IPO.

Leaving Baby at Home with Daddy

I writing from the Hilton Los Angeles Airport, and my baby is back home in San Jose with daddy. I miss her. During the flight, and in the hotel, I keep seeing things I want to share with her, describe to her — and I am resisting the urge to babyproof the room. But life is incredibly more simple sans baby. For example — going through airport security. Instead of removing my shoes while chasing a toddler through the line (hoping she does not take off through the metal detector — what would they do, shut down the airport?) — going through security is calm and easy. Instead of entertaining a a baby on the floor of the terminal, I was part of regular civilization, sitting in a chair (!) and worked on a project while waiting for my flight. BTW — the project would have taken 60-90 minutes with Gracie around — at the airport, I got it done in 20 minutes. Everyone is so much simpler, not just because Gracie is a handful, but also because she requires so much Stuff — diaper bag, toys, car seat, stroller, milk (and getting that through security!). But I miss her. I woke up at 5 am because I thought I heard her crying. Instead of opening my eyes, I waited for the second cry — and realized I heard a plane taking off outside. Oh yeah, I’m in a hotel. The best benefit of traveling? Daddy, alone home with Gracie, learns to fully appreciate Mommy.

How do daycare users do it?

I now fully appreciate the #1 reason a nanny is superior to daycare. On Monday Gracie got a bunch of shots, including the fourth booster of her DTaP. Not fun for either of us — but it’s over in a few seconds, and after some cuddling and her paci, she recovered quickly. Or so I thought. As the day went on, Gracie became more and more tired — such that right before her bedtime, I found her curled up in the rocking chair with her two favorite dolls (Dora and a cabbage patch, both with silky hair). Very odd for a child who is typically running around the house screaming and chasing the cat, at the 10-minute-to-bedtime countdown. But, perhaps her nap was not long enough, and she had a busy day … That night I packed Gracie’s snacks and diaper bag for backup daycare — for October my regular nanny is still on maternity leave, and my summer nanny is back in school — so I am using the daycare available as a backup childcare solution through my husband’s law firm. Gracie enjoys going there — a great chance to play with new toys, new kids, and new adults. And, I can get some work done. But Tuesday morning Gracie woke up hot. And not hungry (a first!). Her temp was 99.7 underarm (which means almost 101 internal) — officially un-daycare-able. I tried to douse her with Motrin - but she was still obviously lethargic, and I am too honest to try to fool daycare. Made me so mad — it was just from the vaccine — but I could not put her in daycare becuase of her fever. On Tuesday, I had two new client appointments scheduled, a handbook to write, and a teleseminar class at noon. I hate canceling! I thought of calling a service for a nanny to watch Gracie while I have my appointments and teach my class. I was so angry — why is it that I am the one who has to cancel everything to take care of Gracie? Why is there no system to help me? It’s not fair that everyone else has family or friends or neighbors who can help out! (of course, I was the one who moved from Missouri to California …) But later that afternoon, Gracie woke up from her nap, early and feverish. I held her in my arms for the next hour while she slept. Sleeping, she was an infant again — all perfect, peaceful, and venerable. How long until she no longer wants to cuddle with mommy? My anger evaporated. Gracie is the most important thing to me — and if I have to reschedule client appointments, and record my class afterhours for download distribution — that’s fine. She’s not a sacrifice — she’s a joy! But I am glad that my regular nanny is starting Nov. 6th. A Nanny is double the cost than daycare, but infinitely more convenient.

Running a business — with out of town guests

My parents visited this week, from St. Louis, Missouri — great for Gracie, and actually very helpful for me. This month I do not have regular childcare, and am trying to run my business with just 1-2x week of backup daycare, and lots of television. Not optimal. So, Grandma and Papa watched Gracie on Tuesday while I wrote the handbook for Week 3 of my 8 Weeks teleseminar, and while I conducted Week 3 of session A (noon) and Week 1 of session B (8:00 PM). I felt slightly guilty for them to spend one day mostly babysitting, but actually it was a great chance for them to spend alone time with Gracie. By the end of the week, Gracie was calling them Grandma and Papa, and was totally comfortable hanging out with them when I was not around — success! I just wish Grandma and Papa lived around here — partially for the bonding, but also for the babysitting.

A butterfly flaps its wings in China — and my childcare falls apart.

Chaos. Having a child introduced a level of chaos into my life. No, I’m not talking about late night feedings or mountains of toys, I’m talking about childcare for Gracie.

All I am asking for is a reliable childcare situation that is stimulating and nurturing for my daughter, and easy and flexible for me. Is that too much to ask? Probably yes … even considering I am willing to pay $20/hour for a part-time nanny.

My regular nanny is on maternity leave (and yes, she says she is coming back in November), so this summer I am getting by with a women on summer vacation from her PhD program, combined with back up childcare through my husband’s work. Neither is predictable.

My summer nanny does a great job taking care of Gracie, and Gracie enjoys spending time with her — but she has gone on vacation, worked different days each week because of previous engagements, and has had conflicts on previously scheduled work days, including this Friday. She forgot that she has a conference she has already paid for, that she needs to attend for school. I already cancelled a luncheon I was planning to attend, but I am still trying to get backup childcare (through Mark’s work) so I can go to an appointment with my life planner — otherwise, I will have the appointment by telephone, with Gracie watching Dora the Explorer in the background. Not ideal.

Mark’s backup childcare is also a roll-of-the-dice. Every time I have signed Gracie up, we have been waitlisted. (is it a conspiracy? does anyone actually get a confirmed reservation?) Then, the night before, they call to say that a space has opened up, and ask if we still want it — every time we have been waitlisted, we have got this call. But, Gracie does enjoy herself there — she gets to play with other toddlers her age, and hang out with other adults, play with different toys, etc. The last time I dropped her off, instead of crying, she sat down to color, looked up at me, and said “bye bye.” Ah, I am already not needed, my daughter is already an Independent Woman.

This childcare issue is a big problem for me with my business, because I schedule client appointments up to 60 days in advance, and now I am launching teleseminar programs, that are scheduled out 90+ days ahead. So, when childcare falls through, what do I do about these appointments and seminars?

Even more difficult since we don’t have family here (Mark’s are in LA, and mine are in St. Louis, MO), so there is no ultimate-backup-babysitting of retired grandparents or stay-at-home aunts or uncles.

But as much as I complain, I have had great luck with finding quality childcare for Gracie. She loves Sarah (her main nanny), Jessica (her summer nanny), and the women at backup daycare. We have never had any nightmare problems that you hear about on the news, and I am thankful.

I wish I could have control and predictability over my schedule. But if I had wanted that, I should not have had a kid.

How did I become a person who drives an SUV?

Yesterday we took delivery of my new car — an SUV — a Lexus RX 350, to be exact. How did this happen? How did I become one of Those Women Who Drive A Big SUV? I’m not a soccer mom, I don’t drive a carpool, I’m not trying to keep up with Mrs. Jones or make up for mothering inadequacies through driving of an imposing vehicle.

I just want something that can transport the jogging stroller. I bought the BOB jogging stroller in May, and it did not fit into the Passat — even folded up, with the wheels disassembled — unless I stuffed it into the passenger seat, with the axel overhanging the shifter such that I have to lift the aparatus each time I want to move into Reverse. The stroller was The Last Straw.

Mark (aka my Dear Husband) had been suggesting that I needed a bigger car. But until that moment, I was fine with the Passat. I loved the Passat. I loved the idea of driving the anti-luxury luxury German automobile — an example of a smart, efficient purchase.

The nail in the coffin was the Stop Engine Now light that went on after I dropped off Gracie at backup daycare in June — I do not tolerate a car that is not dependable (it turned out to be completely out of oil …). I’ve never seen that light before, and I did Stop Now — right on the side of 280 — and called for a tow. Thank god that Gracie was not with me, but I wasted an entire day at the car dealership and renting a replacement car. Besides the fact that it took the VW dealership a week to change the oil.

Back to the SUV. I hate the idea of driving a gigantic car, impossible to park or manuver, just to be “cool.” But, I did not buy the SUV just because I was “supposed to” as a suburban mom — I really do need it to transport the jogging stroller, much less pack the stuff for camping trips (we are going in late September … but that is an issue for another blog).

Perhaps those other SUV driving moms really need their SUVs too.

A lesson in being less judgmental — don’t judge Those People harshly, because you may find that you are one of Them.

How much TV is too much TV?

When Gracie was an infant, she did not like those Baby Einstein DVDs at all. I was jealous of moms who could plop their babies in front of the TV for 20 minutes, so they could cook dinner or take a shower. Not my baby, she was too active-needy-attached.

But a few weeks ago, I turned on Sesame Street and Gracie was interested. Two episodes later, she asked for Elmo. I thought, wonderful! I can write a few emails, take a shower, or have a telephone conversation while Gracie is amused by something for 20 minutes.

Now she asks for it. Begs. If the TV cabinet is open, she starts pleading “Elmo” or “Dora” in that cute little baby girl voice. Oh, so tempting for me. She is busy for four DVD episodes, and I actually get a break.

But am I a horrible person for letting Gracie watch TV at age 17 months? Now, she only watches Elmo and Dora — both pretty educational type shows, and Dora is very engaging (asking the viewer to stand up, dance, answer questions). Gracie now knows how to dance (mostly spinning, shaking her elbows and clapping, very cute in a bizzare, manic way) and say the words “backpack” and “map” upon demand by Dora. Another odd thing is that Gracie actually stands in front of the TV for the entire show, so I am not worried about a couch potato effect.

Of course, the childhood development powers-that-be say that no one under age 2 needs to be watching TV. But no one under age 2 needs to eat ice cream either, and I don’t feel guilty about letting Gracie have some of my scoop, once a month.

I guess that’s my answer — balance. Moderation. “They” can’t say TV is okay because people might plop their kids there for 14 hours a day — but 30 minutes or an hour is okay. And, these programs do have some educational value, and a bit of harmless entertainment. Just don’t let the DVD repeat on autoplay, hour after hour.

Except when I’m really, really, tired. Besides, it’s not like I’m letting her play in traffic.

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